Halloween is Hell

Some Christian fundamentalists have wrestled with the idea of Halloween for a long time. Too much Satanism. Too much witchcraft. Too pagan. Too much money for candy. The solution? Instead of handing out chocolate and gumballs, build a Godly House of Horrors that takes the wee darlings STRAIGHT TO HELL. These "Hell Houses" are seen in some Christian circles as an attractive alternative to Halloween's all-out devilry. And in this case, a hilariously funny example of Art imitating Life, a pastor plays Satan.

"YOU HAVE DIED AND GONE STRAIGHT TO HELL!" a tall man wearing a long, black, hooded cloak bellowed over a bullhorn Sunday night as the first busload of about 30 teens and a handful of parents were herded through dark corridors lined in black plastic.

The group moved from room to room, witnessing scenes depicting what the church says are the consequences of "bad decisions involving violence, sex and drugs."

In one scene, a girl was lying on a gurney where a masked man in surgical scrubs pretended to perform an abortion. A toilet was sitting nearby apparently to collect the aborted fetus.

A fenced-in cell housed a few denizens of "hell," including a pedophile trolling the Internet for a young victim, a meditating Buddhist, and two mincing young men wearing body glitter who were supposed to be homosexuals.

Personally, I'll take the chocolate.