It's official, I'm a fuddy-duddy

Dear Bam Magera

I used to think I was a pretty hip guy. You know, I kept abreast (I know, someone who uses the word abreast, isn't, a priori, hip. Or a priori, in italics) of pop culture, knew who was doing who, knew what bands were hot (even if I didn't listen to them). I sort of paid attention to Rock Star: Supernovabut not really. Then I came across your television show, Viva la Bam. I was up late one night in August. I couldn't sleep. It was hot and sticky, I smelled bad and the cats were bugging me. You know what I mean? Anyway, I don't watch a lot of television as rule because I only get four channels here out in the country, so I was flicking between CBC, CTV and Global (TVO was off the air) and there was your show. I watched it for 20 minutes.

And thought: "What the hell is this crap?"

The premise seemed to be that you were doing "cool things" just for the hell of it. This seemed to be involve riding around on ATVs, gratuitous destruction of property, environmental havoc, mocking the uncool as fat and worthless, drinking, making your friends/groupies/hangers-on/homies doing things apparently dangerous to their health and building a casino in a tree. (Why this was necessary when there are perfectly good casinos near where you live, I don't know.)

At first I thought, well, maybe there is some wicked social commentary going on, so I was prepared to give it some time. Then I thought, maybe it was loaded with obscure cultural references which you were attempting to reconcile with your personal world view. I was about to give up, but then after watching 17 commercials in a row, I got it. You're marketing a brand called Bam Margera. And making lots of money doing it. So obvious, because the content is absolute shit.

I'm actually disappointed. This I'm too-cool-for-words-I-do-what-I-want thing is just a revenue-driven persona. And a pretty obnoxious one at that. You're really no different than anybody else shilling for product.

I know you have been voted "Favorite athlete turned TV Star" in a 2005 Teen People Poll, which puts me at risk of being pummelled to death by a gaggle of teenage girls. (I also know this because of your logo --- a "heartagram"* --- a pentagram reworked into a heart shape: so dangerous, yet so reassuring to the set just graduated from My Little Pony.) I know you have so much money from Jackass and Jackass II it makes my pitiable assets look like the penny jar of a part-time Wal-Mart associate.

But dude, I have to tell you this. Your demographic --- those gooey eyed teenaged girls and also alienated white males aged 18-29 --- is getting older by the second. They're all going to marry each other and soon your audience is going to start breeding like so many rabbits. They won't have time for you. In a couple of years your schtick is going to look as dated as Frankie and Annette. In 20 years you entire oeuvre is going to be on the dollar table of a charity bazaar. In a hundred some dorky doctoral student is going to write a thesis about you, and compare you to people who think dwarf-tossing is a worthwhile pastime.

You got talent, bud. Why not do something different? Like something worthwhile and intelligent?

By the way, you should really get your Wikipedia article rewritten by someone who isn't your PR hack. It's, like, really obvious, man.

Also, the "la" in Viva la Bam, sort of implies you're a girl. Kind of funny, when you think of it.

Obviously no longer hip,

Michael
The Upper Canadian

P.S. I enclose my Hipster Membership card

*What the hell does this mean anyway? I worship Satan, but I'm capable of love too? Please.